Been waiting on (him) to put up a post… decided to stop waiting; I know all three of our readers are just dying for more news from the hood… 🙂
Man, being married is tough sometimes. And just when things are going along so nicely… all hell seems to break loose.
Here in our haven, hell visited us last Sunday…
Sometimes I have great expectations. And almost always I fail to see the need to specifically communicate those expectations. And most of the time (he) fails to meet my expectations.
I was so mad I didn’t even want to be near (him) in our bed. I marched upstairs with a blanket and nestled on the couch. Turning on the TV I found myself watching a late night Christian broadcasting and was intrigued by the female trio who were no doubt from the early 80’s and singing about judging, forgiveness and the log in your own eye. It wasn’t long before I lay there sobbing; I knew God meant for me to forgive (him) just as I have been forgiven for so much. I have some stubborn bones though, and I still didn’t go downstairs. Sunday morning I was still upset, or (he) upset me about something else, or probably a combination of the two. Anyway, by late afternoon we were at each others throats. It wasn’t pretty. And I am ashamed for the way I treated my husband that day.
It had been a long time since we had such an intense dispute and over something seemingly small. Eventually (he) realized that at the heart of it, it wasn’t the unmet expectations, but that there was something underlining my frustration; something really hurting inside of me. By the grace of God our ugliness came to an end and in our desperation and our brokenness we took off our masks and had a heart-to-heart. It was actually a beautiful discussion; praying, apologizing and listening to one another. (Why didn’t we do that in the first place?)
As the day went on God continued to weave a theme of forgiveness in my heart. I am learning that despite the infraction or weather or not I think (he) deserves my forgiveness, that God desires for me to forgive; without condition. A heart that harbors un-forgiveness can not fully experience joy. I am learning that my joy does not depend on any circumstance or situation (and most of the time they are out of my control anyway).
Forgiveness is a choice.
(And sometimes I have to remind myself that I choose to forgive.)
Even when my expectations aren’t met, I can love (him) and I can be happy, and I can know that (despite the lack of feeling it), he loves me too.
All in all it was quite an emotional day for me and I choose to stay home with missy moo while the boys went to church. Not because I thought I didn’t need to go, or because I didn’t want to be around anyone, but because I was emotionally spent and knew that I would be nothing more than a weeping mess the entire time. Friends still came over after service and we watched and discussed a movie (I forgot what it was called). After the movie and several had gone home a few of us sat down and we shared our marital struggles. God blessed us with an evening of fellowship and prayer. And not to air our friends laundry too, but it was encouraging to hear the struggles of other couples and to both share and hear different perspectives and ways of working things out. (Apparently it was a rough Sunday.)
We don’t claim to be saints here in our haven, and from time to time life gets pretty messy. But I know that God has a plan and that every struggle we encounter is a piece of something bigger. It sure stinks (and feels like hell) when we are in the middle of it, but I know that I am being refined, and I hope that I will always be willing to hear what He has to teach me. I am thankful for His forgivness and pray for a heart that can extend that to others (even to a husband who might not always meet my expectations.) 🙂