I’ve never really had any trouble getting pregnant. In fact, with our last baby, one week we were trying and the next we decided that we didn’t actually want to be trying, but by then it was too late and number five was on the way. I thought for sure it would be like it always has been; that we’d get pregnant immediately.
I’ve been hoping for three months now. Finally, last week I though that I was pregnant and when I saw that faint blue line on that little pink stick my heart about leapt out of my chest.
I showed the stick to Steph, I shared the news with a couple of my closest girlfriends and I began to dream about a precious new addition…
Maybe the stick was lying and I was never actually pregnant. Either way, my heart felt broken.
Maybe it’s my fault. I started to feel guilty; I shouldn’t have had that glass of wine a few nights ago, I shouldn’t have yelled so much at the kids the other day, I shouldn’t have judged that mom who I speculated can’t handle having another child. And then my guilt turned to shame, and my shame into anger and my shoulders weighed heavy with thoughts of myself and for an entire day I wallowed in a small party of pity.
I decided to let it go. I decided to take the focus off of me and to trust the one who is in control…
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I still desire another rugrat (it’s OK if you think I’m crazy), but I am seeing more clearly now that His timing is perfect… it always has been.
If you have heard my testimony, you know that a couple of my babies were born outside of marriage and that a couple of them weren’t exactly planned for. I think that it is a little bit ironic that it took not being able to get pregnant when I wanted for me to more deeply understand that God hasn’t just allowed me to be pregnant, but that He planned for it. In His perfect timing He created life. Apart from Him, I can not conceive life… and that is beautiful, and if it is not the time for me to bear a child, and if my womb never carries another, there is something freeing, relieving and kind of peaceful in trusting His plan, because it really isn’t about me.