In our newsletter we shared that I have now had three miscarriages. All early. All in a row. All heart wrenching.
While this has been a difficult season filled with doubt, insecurity, jealousy, sorrow and fear, it has also been such a good one. God has been incredibly gracious to grow me more deeply in my trust of his goodness and to teach me so much about loss… through it, he has SO much for us to gain… a great future, and a glorious hope. (Here is the post I wrote after the first miscarriage last August.)
I had an appointment last Wednesday. Although I reached a point of no longer wanting to try, I figured it would be good to make sure there wasn’t anything else going on physically that needs to be addressed. I found out last Wednesday that I am pregnant again.
Pregnant. Just when I had gotten to the point of no longer yearning to be. Just when I became content to diligently pursue what God has for me instead. Just when I was finally able to let go of the insecurity and trust that His ways are higher and good.
Last Wednesday I had blood drawn. Thyroid, progesterone… What is the culprit that led to my losses? I was sent home with prenatal vitamins with folate that are supposed to help with a particularly common blood clotting disorder, as well as a bottle of progesterone.
Thursday morning was nearly torturous. Do I rejoice. Do I dream. There’s a neon light somewhere in my heart flashing “proceed with caution.”
By Thursday afternoon I had the results. Thyroid looks great. Progesterone was 23.4 (which is a ginormous increase from two pregnancies ago when it was 4). HCG was 27 (which is a little low). On Friday morning, we rechecked my HCG and it had jumped to 113. Next Wednesday I have an ultrasound scheduled at 10:30.
Everything looks great. It’s truly in God’s hands.
With each of the miscarriages, the loss began within days of sharing our news. For that reason I am reluctant to post this… But that’s the enemy. There isn’t anything I can do or not do to change the days that are numbered. I rebuke the temptation to believe that God’s plans for me and this life inside of me are not good.
Today I am four weeks and one day. If things progress well, it will be the longest pregnancy ever. And if they do not, I will seek my Fathers face and not tarry to listen for his voice. He is, in all things, at all times, a good good Father. I don’t have answers. In fact, this pregnancy only tempts me to ask more questions. What I have is truth. What I have is peace that penetrates all of my sorrow. What I have is hope… Hope in a God and a future that is eternal… Hope in a love that never fails and never leaves. What I have is the knowledge that however this life unfolds, my hope is secure.
We talked about the pros and cons of sharing the news… We have nothing to hide. None of this is shameful. We aren’t alone and no matter the outcome of this pregnancy I want this life and mine to point to the glory of the One who has written this story.